Parenting When 30 is the new 21
It’s not just the economy that’s bringing grown kids back home, or keeping them from leaving in the first place. It’s also the shift in parents’ roles and responsibilities in their adult children’s lives in the 21st century. Guiding them through the critical third decade of their lives is a much more hands-on process for baby boomers than it was when we did our final stretch of growing up out of sight, if not mind, of our own parents.
Our ambition for independence was less complicated than it is today for 20-somethings, a whopping 63% of whom live at home for varying reasons and intervals. But whether or not parents and grown kids live under the same roof, they’re much more intimately involved with each other than they used to be. Current research as well as contemporary practice indicates that even kids who don’t live at home want, need, welcome and expect parental support – a child’s third decade will cost parents a third of the total amount they spent on the first two!
Today it’s tough to know when the parenting years are over, because the meaning of both parenthood and adulthood has changed. Even parents who don’t have the resources or inclination to subsidize a child’s meandering path to self-hood as well as self-sufficiency are wondering how to renegotiate their relationship as their kids navigate the complicated passage to maturity in a competitive, high stakes world.
This is just as true of hands-off parents who let their kids make their own mistakes (and presumably learn from them) as it is of helicopter parents and tiger mothers who parented (or overparented) for success from the start. As the cost of mistakes and the competition for the best of everything continues to rise, there’s less laissez-faire parenting going on than there used to be for fear that by the time the kids find their place in the world, it will already be taken. And parents’ concerns are magnified by uncertainty about when and whether their kids’ opportunities for good jobs, affordable housing and a satisfying life will improve – and how that may affect them, too.
In my post-parent coaching practice, these are the questions and concerns I hear most frequently:
. If they can’t get jobs and don’t have any money, should we push them out or refuse to let them move back in?
. If they don’t finish college, how can they expect to get anywhere in life?
. Don’t they realize the difference between a goal and a fantasy and why won’t they listen when we explain it?
. Is the reason they can’t commit to a partner because we got divorced?
. Should we just cut them off financially?
. Are they really trying to get a life, or just waiting it out until things get better, their lucky break happens, or they get tired of living in the basement?
. In the face of a dismal economy and difficult conditions, do they have what it takes to survive real hardship?
. Are they basically okay – just entitled, lazy, or picky?
. Do they need professional help? Do we?
And here’s what parents do in the middle of the night when they don’t have the answers: They pinch their spouse if they have one and ask how he can sleep when the kids aren’t happy (even if that’s just their own opinion and it’s news to him). And then they head right to the freezer for the Saralee.
But for a better suggestion, connect with the coach!
Connect With the Post-Parent Coach
Now you can connect with the Post-Parent Coach for a private, personal coaching session that will give you a whole new perspective on your relationship with your adult children – as well as proven tools, strategies and techniques to improve your communication with them, change the way you deal with their problems , cope with having them back under your roof, and move them toward independence. It just could be the best hundred dollars you ever spent!
If you’re ready to make a better connection with your grown child, make one with the coach first! Here’s how:
E-mail me with a brief description of the situation and the most convenient times to “meet” by phone. Then send me $100 via Pay Pal. When I receive confirmation from them, I’ll confirm the date and time of your teleconference and the number to call. And after we’ve talked, I’ll send you an e-mail summarizing my suggestions and advice and reminding you of your action plan.
